First Order of Business
Live screenshot of my clocks from the “nomo” sobriety app (1/27/2025 — 4/27/2025)
“if you can do something for 90 days, you can do ANYTHING”
April’s been a time loop of a month. Has been for as long as I can remember in recent memory. That being said, the downloads have been Real. Along with the convictions that I MUST write this at last and that my website HAD to go live came the continuing echo of the phrase “if you can do something for 90 days, you can do anything” accompanied by the reality of sobriety for that same duration. Apparently, this amount of time is a peak habit-forming increment (according to various self-help sources). I was never sure of just how much truth this held (and have often wavered in the past), however, circumstances have been different for the better somehow putting this go-around into practice with the mantra my mind created persisting, which tells me that there is definitely something to sticking to a routine and/or maintaining a ritual of abstaining from substances/whatever else.. probably more than likely both tbh. To me, this newsletter blog is in many ways an extension of that belief in routine and in maintenance because clearly, through keeping sober as a starting point to other behaviors, I’ve proven to myself first and foremost that anything CAN and WILL be done if one believes and acts in accordance moving forward. Also, that chronicling such a spirited movement may energetically radiate outwards, exerting a similarly positive momentum upon those who encounter these words while proceeding on their respective paths.
How did I arrive here & where am I going?
It was my golden year birthday eve (January 26th of this year, 2025), I was feverishly ill yet remained intent on carrying out my itinerary as scheduled (checking into a solo staycation). I had just returned from a community event that really didn’t hit like at all (tears attempted to be restrained were streaming down my face on the subway ride back to my hotel), I felt UNWELL, and was completely by myself. A recipe for disaster on the precipice of a spiral of self-destruction by all accounts, what else was a person in my position to do but take an emo detox shower and order in? While I awaited my burger and fries (and apple pie in place of cocktail) alone, party of one, I retrieved a specific set of paraphernalia from my backpack and contemplated utilizing it to relieve the physical and mental pain I was feeling, an escape from myself and the situation I currently found myself in. In the same instant, something from within both snapped and simultaneously clicked into place and rage took over for once (a rare occurrence for my pisces mars self). Congestedly huffing and puffing about the room trying to make sure I didn’t miss a single item, I gathered all the stuff I no longer wished to partake in and tossed it into the hallway bin. On some level, I recognized that I felt more in control and free than if I had chosen to indulge like I would’ve on another given day. The reality of the coping mechanism I thought was healing was in fact causing more harm than help. Perhaps my rage was so strong that I no longer gave the action of throwing everything away a second thought, perhaps the rage was a necessary evil to rid myself of the true evils holding me back, preventing me from facing a healthier (dare I say best) version of myself. Because I suddenly realized THAT was what truly hurt — the distinct knowledge floating around somewhere in my brain that my highest self existed without needing to get or be high and was far more powerful and capable than I could even imagine. I had been running from the possibilities of my full potential on a hamster wheel of my own creation that I neglected to see for quite a while (longer than I care to admit). So I guess the moral of the story is that sometimes the universe grants you your own birthday gift that chooses you in divine timing once you take the action you’re being urged to take by forces beyond the scope of your own conscious awareness.
The timeline shift
Since I turned 27 on the 27th, literally 90 days ago, things seem to carry a newness of clarity to them, with each day being a clean slate from which to start fresh. Maybe it’s A Golden Year Effect, maybe it’s the mentality I have magically wired in my head as a result. After all, the story we tell ourselves eventually alters the very fabric of reality within which we exist. Either way, I find myself more willing to try with less fear of failing, more accepting of mistakes and imperfections, more inclined to let go of harsh judgment and rigid expectations, instead pivoting whenever I deem it necessary. I can sit here on a pedestal and say it’s because of being sober, but that isn’t quite the full picture (if anything, being sober has brought me closer to a state of groundedness than self-described “down to earth” folks). If I were to really zoom out though, I’d have to credit such changes to radical honesty, that is being genuinely honest with myself especially if that means coming to terms with some complex truths that may have largely operated under my radar (including why I ever partook in activities of self-indulgent sabotage to begin with). If I had to put my finger on it, I would probably attribute this to my commitment to shifting toxic thought patterns and altering other negative behaviors that no longer serve me. Now has this been a straightforward and linear process? Far from it. Simple, sure, but certainly not easy (kinda like sobriety itself). I’ve also been thinking lately, is any one destructive action worth even a single increment of time that could’ve been spent doing quite actually anything else? It feels like a solid guiding inquiry for moments when those familiar itches tempt you to scratch them while you actively decide to do the opposite. The truest of the truths is that very choice, making the ongoing decision of what’s worthy of your time, time and time again.
